Dear Coleen
I’m a young gay man and, a few months back, a guy messaged on a dating app out of the blue. I couldn’t believe how hot he was. We swapped phone details and chatted for hours every day.
He said the nicest things and I fell for him. It was too good to be true, but it also felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. He’d send me amazing photos of himself, which would make me feel fuzzy inside, even though I still couldn’t believe a guy so hot would like a shy person like me.
Then a couple of weeks ago I found out he was a scammer, trying to get me to invest in cryptocurrency, and the photos weren’t of him, but of a content creator in Brazil, who I tracked down on social media.
I feel so hurt that the guy I thought I was chatting to wasn’t real. It’s broken my heart and I feel stupid that I fell in love. Now when I look at the Brazilian guy’s page, I feel besotted with him. I’ve never chatted with him, but I can’t get him out of my head and keep thinking all the lovely chats we had really were from him. It’s destroying my life and affecting my mental health. It feels like a full-on break up. How can I stop feeling like this?
Coleen says
First of all, don’t feel stupid because you’re not. These scammers are so good at what they do and are so believable. I think it would help you to feel more in control of the situation if you sent a private message to this guy in Brazil to let him know his photos have been stolen and that someone is impersonating him.
I’m sure he doesn’t have a clue that his image is being used. Then get in touch with the dating app and tell them what’s happened too. I think in future, if you’re talking to someone a lot online, ask to do a video call. If they say no, that’s a red flag – they’re either not who they say they are or, best case scenario, they’ve put a load of pics up that don’t reflect what they really look like.
Yes, this was a scam and not a real person, but it’s going to hurt just as much as a real break-up because you’d developed feelings and were lied to. Just like with any heartbreak, it’s going to take time to heal. But the most important message to take from this is that none of what happened is your fault and that it happens to lots of other people all the time.
It’s the dark side of the online world and the possibility of being scammed is something all of us need to be aware of. I know it’s hard, but you have to try your best to put it down to experience and move on. As horrible as it was, you’ll be wiser and stronger as a result, and mustn’t let it stop you from connecting with new people and enjoying your life.
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